A man who..
provides you with such comfort.
your home away from home.
A man who..
allows you to be.. you.
all of you.
not having to omit part of who you are
to impress that of another.
A man who..
makes you wonder
why you ever
gave anyone else a chance.
I stopped searching just to find,
a man who.. loves me.
and I love him too.
It does not always make the heart grow fonder.
on the contrary, absence may help your heart grow wiser. his absence forced me to accept that what I wanted was not what I needed. & later made me realize, I wanted something so much more…
sometimes absence is what is needed to move forward.
let’s be real,
she will never be capable
of doing such things
I made you feel.
when all else failed,
this we could always get right.
well aware of
all the right words,
all the right places,
to get you to….
ven aca papi.
and feel how tight,
my love is dripping…
Brown Skin, Part II
your golden skin was pure,
as if the sun shined
solely for you..
but what is left is a shadow.
I see you there,
but I don’t see you anymore..
the unknown hint
bestowed upon me
has been made visible
by the cold undertones
of the summer.
your sun sheds light on the dark,
revealing to me
the crossroads of our path.
but I thought
we were supposed
to continue together.
I never needed you,
but lord knows
I wanted you.
I cannot help but
attempt to differentiate
between the lies & the truth…
it all seems one in the same.
you begged for my attention
just to leave me with none.
and now my pride
is in constant
battle with my heart.
you cannot help
who you love
so I will stop
trying to fight it.
in love with you?
it was the idea of you.
the person you convinced me you were..
in the beginning.
but that wasn’t you.
in love with an idea.
that small part of you
was all you.
but it seems as though,
I don’t even know… you.
control of my mind.
he told me so.
creating a reaction,
of negative emotions,
all for his selfish pleasure.
hate and love
are one in the same.
you love the way I hate you.
and I hate the way you love me….
and who might you be?
this isn’t the kind-hearted,
gentleman I once fell for.
I now see a lost boy, searching for whom he truly is,
still stuck in his own prideful world,
taking for granted what could have been.
Where did you replace my man?
so eager to want to give my love,
so thirsty to want to feel love,
I only saw what I wanted.
a mirage of who I wanted,
you to be.
vision impaired to your negative,
until it started affecting my positive.
see my love ain’t just for anyone…
not only do I deserve the world, but the universe is mine.
I rank higher than a queen,
for I am a goddess.
and I will continue to walk away as such,
until my god finds me too.
she thanks me for being strong,
but does not understand
how weak I truly am.
how helpless I feel.
how close my tears are to falling.
how this welding pain in my chest is filled with fear, anger, & sadness…
all too ready to explode.
such things she will never know,
because we are all in this together.
and my job here
is to make them smile,
and fill the room with laughter.
to remind them,
everything is going to be alright.
but in the back of my mind,
I need someone to convince me the same…
her ethereal beauty
was too much to endure…
two different levels,
in two different lives.
laughs, love & revel,
but the time wasn’t right.
she wasn’t much higher,
but has been there before.
she was ready to grow,
not drag him ashore.
now she knows, he will see…
it was worth the fight.
I Feel Nothing
I am too numb to feel
The warmth of your golden smile as you look in my eyes.
The comfort of my body being wrapped in your arms.
The laughter obtained from your silly jokes.
The pleasure between my legs from the creation of our soul tie.
The butterflies fluttering at just the sound of your name.
I am too numb to feel
The sharp sensation of your knife piercing my heart.
The sting of your bullets torturing my soul.
The pain of your words brainwashing my mind.
The agony of your selfishness poisoning my body.
The thought of you loving someone else.
I am too numb to feel a thing…
Holding back tears
has become equivalent
to holding my breath
knowing I will eventually
need to gasp for air.
But I refuse to let them fall.
there is a reason why I hate butterflies…
why must I continue,
trying to fight,
something I cannot control?
this metamorphic process,
has left a flutter in my heart.
you have made me
want to break free,
out of my sheltered cocoon.
you spread my wings
to bring out
every beautiful color of my soul.
the very thought of you,
has set me free,
to fly again.
pushing your way through me
until you become me,
I will continue to pour,
until this becomes we.
our eyes locked.
are you thinking what I am?
my legs trembling…
anxious of what is to come.
our lips exchanging..
breaths, kisses, secrets.
our hands intertwining…
hold on to me tight baby,
scratch if you must.
an unexplainable climb,
my pleasure for you to reach.
the greatest feeling in the world.
what is mine,
is now rightfully yours.
a beautiful soul we have tied.
Wake Me Up
Afraid is not the word.
For the thought of
what could be
What we have,
may be real.
But I have become
to their sold dreams…
brainwashed to believe
a nightmare was beautiful,
that I am now afraid
to wake up.
And may this not
be a false awakening,
promise you won’t
lay me back to rest.
This journey of self love could leave one in a narcissistic state.
A love that will leave you fascinated only with learning to decode your own beautiful mind & strengthening your own tortured soul.
I love you.
“You” meaning me, of course.
And me being afraid to let “him” take the place of “you.”
A feeling once born, then died as a memory.
A recollection from my past,
fighting to be reborn into my future..
into our future.
But I may just be,
to allow it.
and when you are truly happy,
even the rain and gloom,
will leave a sunny disposition.
thoughts on the plane
the angels of the sky.
I just want to reach out & touch you.
as the woman touched Jesus Christ’s hem,
may I have some peace of mind?
do I have to come down?
save me a seat on those majestic white wings of yours.
and we can gaze upon the earth together.
to love the lost…
my heart aches with her pain.
as strong as she is, the hurt in her eyes cannot be hidden this time.
is it really better to have loved and lost?
I mean.. what do you do when the one you love is lost forever?
never to return.
questions don’t get answered much these days.
helpless I am.
maybe they will meet again in the clouds.
maybe they will dance together in her dreams.
or maybe.. he will always be with her in her heart.
Is it possible to drown in your own tears?
These feet that once walked gracefully across the water, are now sinking into the drenches of sorrow.
If I can hardly comprehend these rapid synapses, shooting through my mind, how will anyone else?
Someone save me from my beautiful mind.
I see myself, well… the old me, in you.
This is all too familiar.
Let me tell you how this ends and promise me you’ll listen.
As I watch you, I can almost feel the excruciating pain of heartbreak flowing through my veins as I’ve felt once before.
Oh how I wish I could bear all of your pain…
No one deserves their mind, body & spirit to be tortured in such a way.
You see, it all begins when you start to feel like you need him.
That trance of “love” you’re in will have you questioning your sanity.
It’s as if you are being brainwashed.. your mind programmed to think of nothing else.
Don’t drown in those waves of lies when you can choose to swim in a sea of love.
Trust me babygirl, you can survive without.
I am a living testimony.
what could have been.
what should have been.
The Cold War
You know they say love is war.
Like a soldier, you fought for MY love, fought for MY trust.
But she won the war and I lost you to lust.
Our beautiful nightmare constantly replaying in my mind…
As if the PTSD never wants me forgetting your lies.
Your arms wrapped around me like amour. Protection.
Letting me know I was yours & you were mine.
I remember you mistaking yourself for my Bonnie, & I as your Clyde.
Blinded by love, I fought by your side.
Now I hold back my tears, hiding pain in my eyes.
I know understand why some come back from war crazy.
I didn’t want you, I NEEDED you.
My all given, and this is how you repay me?
Our Cold War made a cold heart, wish someone would have saved me.
The Science of Love
Baby will you be the actin to my myosin?
Would you believe me if I said I’m in love?
A bond so moving as troponin to tropomyosin.
Our power trip.
I’m holding on,
never to let to go of.
We can form a cross bridge.
A power stroke.
The power couple.
Love expressed through science.
Two elements needed to bind in compliance.
To form something greater than good.
but always understood.
God is love
and science is knowledge.
So how ironic,
That Lord knows..
I love you.
You know I love your brown skin.
It was never a matter of love,
Lust was what we were in.
A lie expressed so well it was almost the truth. Almost.
And It could’ve been.
Told you I don’t know why but.. I trust you.
So you took my hand in yours & said “don’t be afraid of what it could be.”
say no more.
how could I resist?
Your skin was pure golden as if the sun shined solely for you.
Your kiss, the sweetest kiss I’ve ever known.. so passionate, so breathtaking. Yet so… deceitful.
And those eyes. Those big brown eyes. Only used to hypnotize my mind into yours, thus creating a soul tie.
A soul tie formed in a matter of months only to be broken in a matter of days.
After the prize is won, why continue to play. right?
Mama taught me better, but that brown skin.. How could I resist that brown skin?
The Silent Promise
Cause all I wanted was to see you smile.
It touched me in more ways than you’ll ever know.
The butterflies I once hated, joyfully fluttered in my stomach arousing a feeling of love.
Oh, I hate that I love you sometimes but that smile..
That look in your brown eyes…
What does it mean?
Tell me. Can you read into my soul?
My feelings.. thoughts being read through the meeting of the minds. You know me. You are me. We… are we. And That smile.. baby, that smile is all we’ll ever need.
A feeling of security is what it was.
That sincere grin from ear to ear made a silent promise that you’ll always be here. The love in your smile.. canceling out my fear.
I loved you & you loved me.
But is love ever enough?
That silent promise, so beautiful, quickly vanished before my eyes without any warning given. A feeling of betrayal within myself. I mean,
how do you prepare to lose a part of.. you?
All I ever wanted was to see you smile…
But now you are you. I am me. There is no longer “we”.
And my smile, alone, is all I’ll ever need.